My music.

Lately, I've been losing my appreciation to music.
The only reason to this is because of the past the songs in my iTunes library withholds. It's insane to think that it's been two years and I still hear the same songs....
These songs withdraw some kind of emotion from me.
And I reckon it's time to move on.
I am done.
I am deleting 90% of the songs I used to listen to.

Moving on.... what a funny concept.

I feel so lonely.

I hope you know that you're my reason to my bitterness.
The reason why I can no longer trust anyone.
It pains me to keep quiet about it.

Why can't I just cry?
I've realized that I can only cry when I witness someone else crying....
Psychologically, I think that means that I'm too chicken to cry for myself... but as soon as another person cries, I get right to work because I don't feel weak.
Bleh.......

Having a Life.

Honestly, I don't know what I'm going to talk about in the post.... But I felt the need to blog anyways.

I'll start off with what I've been doing for the past 12 hours. I've officially finished season 2 of True Blood. We needed to hold 2 days of a True Blood marathon, but yup, we did it. I make it sound pretty lame, but it was fun.
I'm at Tamara's house right now, and I don't feel any emotional distraught at the moment. Which is a good thing. I reallly want a Macbook. Haha.

I've realized that I'm happy either when I'm outta the house or hanging out with a friend.
Maybe that's a sign to get a life... or my house emits a negative force in me when I'm not alone.
I don't know, I'm weird....

The Past

I haven't written in such a long time.
While I read my old posts, I can't help but get teary-eyed.
I have nowhere to go for emotional relief. I don't like to talk to other people about my problems because I'm scared they'll either judge me or not understand.
I wish I could cry.... I never cry these days.
Only an occasional tear if I encounter something truly deplorable and painful.

I know I've said this many times before, but I feel like a soul-less body just taking up space and air.
I find solace only in trying to explain to someone my problems, but no one understands.
It sucks to have no one understand you.
It makes you feel so lonely....
Maybe I was born to end up a lonely and desolate person.
I don't even know.

I just dwell on the past so much. The past was where I was actually happy.
It's hard not to remember times where you were happy.... But I try to fake and mimic things I did in the past... I am desperate for happiness.

Very desperate.

Fighting for Nothing.

"When I was younger, I wish that I would have known better.
Better love makes a fat romance, that lasts for more than a shoe shine.
I’m older, took all the words of my mother, saying,
It could be worse, could be born with that disease,
instead of catching it first.
So let’s go back, to the first time, that I met you,
in your Chevy, with your hands stretched, and me crying, screaming, “Mercy. Mercy.”
But I know that, I was put here, to fight Vikings,
in the cold war, with my arms out, in the front lines, singing, “Dare me. Dare me.”
But these things take time love.
These things take backbone.
And they’ll tell you what you want to hear
’cause they think it’s better. Better.
But you better know how to point out the liars.
You’ve got to weigh your wars make sure you’re not fighting for nothing. Nothing.
Are you fighting for nothing?
It feels like this world has been growing slowly upside down.
Maybe I should move to China, and straighten this mess out.
Maybe I’ll be a poet.
Watch all the sky for falling words.
And write about my grandma’s curtains,
or the lady who put the Chinese buffet in her purse.
I’ve got my mouth.
It’s a weapon. It’s a bombshell. It’s a cannon. I’ve got my words.
I won’t give them mercy. Mercy. I’ve got my words. I hope they hurt you.
I hope they scar you. I hope they heal you.
I hope they cut you open, make you see
you’ve been warring for all the wrong reasons.
Make you see that some things are worth bruising for.
Make you see that your name is your honor code.
Make you see that your hands you’re accounted for.
Pick and choose where your sweat and your blood will go.
Make you see your life’s not to be lived alone.
Run their spit through your hair, you’re worth nothing. Nothing."

-Meg & Dia.

Is it okay to feel again?
To be able to cry and pray for the better.
Am I getting better? Or just regressing.
Either way, they're both optimistic.
Once you've hit rock bottom, anything is.

Fuck it.

I just need an outlet; a haven.
I'm too lazy to write in a journal, and it seems I'm too busy for anything these days.
Besides the usual: sleep, school, homework, go on the computer.
jesus, get some motivation danbi.
i have so much to get off my chest, but i feel like i need to hold back.
my feelings have been suppressed for too long.... and honestly, i'd rather be over-emotional human being than be a fucking soul-less ghost roaming this planet.

i don't have any friends i could talk to.
my "BEST" friends always insulting me if i try to talk to them.
saying i complain about life, or i'm too pessimistic.
well, fucker(s), this is HOW I'M FEELING.
i can't help how i feel, and it's no good to hold my feelings inside, but i guess i have no other choice.
someone had said that a GOOD friend will always be there for you whether you're going through bad times or good times.
Not just the bad times. or just for the good times.
This is so true, and I TRY and TRY to be a good person and to be there for my friends, but it's so fucking hard when they don't acknowledge what i'm trying to do and don't return the favor.


fucking people these days.
i don't trust anyone these days.
i've been hurt so many times by people, while trying to be the best person i could be.
i'm constantly hurt by my "trusted" friends.
I'm sick of trying to be friends with anyone.
i guess you could call me anti-social.

My mother is a vain woman.

She is selfish, cruel, vain, and just a bitch.
I'm sick of her. I need an escape...
Trapped here by law, I'm hopeless. Only 4 more years....
My brother is one lucky son of a bitch, only one more year for him.

How am I going to have to deal with her for THREE fucking years by myself?
I'm hopeless...
I'd rather be homeless.