the good and the bad

ever had that sinking feeling after you take a nap?

that's how i feel everyday.

but...

on some days, i just feel........

normal.

i hate when i'm depressed, but i can't help it.

it's either my brain or hormones, but it's hard to look at which.

i wasn't really depressed today but there are times when you have fun, or when you have that sinking feeling.

for example: today i felt pretty nice until lunch; that's when i had that sinking feeling again.

nick has been getting on my nerves lately.

lmaooo everyone's just like "NOW U THINK HES GAY?" or... "NOW U THINK HES ANNOYING?"

still, he's aight, i guess.

and some other days, i feel like going to highschool will save me from this hell hole.

and on other days, i feel like staying in jordan will prevent me from getting older, and having to take life and school a LOT more seriously.

my brother's been pressuring me to make good grades in high school, but i still want my freedom and time.

Ed asked me the question: why do you think we fall in love?

i honestly couldn't answer.

i was speechless.

then i gave a lame excuse:

"oh, well... it's like crying. you don't know why you do it, but you just DO."

here's my "deep answer:"

if there is a god, then he would of realized how fucked up this world is.

and therefore he created a thing.

a magical thing, we humans, like to call love.

he tried to balance the bad and good.

so therefore:

he created a strong intense emotion called love to balance the horrible, terrible shit that goes on in the world.

and it doesn't necessarily have to be about FALLING in love, but you could love your mom, dad, best friend, etc.

-Zombie

life's no fun.

i lied.

i'm not optimistic.

i'm not motivated.

i'm not happy.

i think of life the same just as in 7th grade, in luther.

i was depressed.

i had suicidal thoughts.

i was waiting to live my life.

i'm so bored of life.

i don't even have fun anymore.

i only have fun when I'm doing stupid, pointless shit.

like running around the neighborhood at night.

like baking cookies.

like hanging with crazy, obnoxious people.

i'm always tired.

i use sleep as an excuse to get away from reality.

i like dreaming, although 90 percent of the time i can't remember what i dreamt about.

i'm sucking the air from earth as earth sucks the life from me.

i am rotting.

the only thing i'm looking up to right now is high school.

where atleast i can see ed.

where we can be rotting together.

Mask Phase 2.15.10

I think everyone has gone through a phase.

I know I have.

----------------------------

In 5th grade: I had a phase where I thought black guys were the sexiest men in the world.

6th grade: When I found out I was bi and wanted to tell EVERYONE.

7th grade: Bipolar phase; In luther, I was very depressed. In Jordan, I was very optimistic.

Right now? I think I'm going through what I'd like to call the 'Mask Phase.'

This is when you mask your depression with optimism.

You try to convince yourself that you're optimistic when you're really not.

I'm currently fading out of the phase and now transitioning to the optimistic phase.

-----------------------------

What is my favorite phase?

It's one that I didn't include up there. Just to make things more exciting (;

My Ignorant Phase.

I've been in this phase since I was born into 5th grade.

Of course, I wasn't stupid or anything.

But it was more like ignoring the depressing things of the world and replacing them with small happy things.

Once you acknowledge the horrors and cruelty of the world, it's inevitable to be depressed.

I believe knowing less = more happiness.

So what do YOU guys think?

Is Ignorance really bliss?

----

From now on, I'm gonna post a piece of lyrics that either fits my mood or the blog (:

"The weak are the liars, the strong think too much
I am too cynical to say I don't give a fuck

I need money
I need clothes
I need women
I need blow

Something is very fucking wrong

Resting your head on your best friend's sister's shoulder
Your mother's job is to fuck all your neighbors
Bodies thrusting to the beat of our shame

.....

Loyalty
Honesty
Trust
Respect
Humility
Sincerity

We are all so full of fucking shit
We are all so full of fucking shit"

"People You Know" - Dance Gavin Dance

Optimism

Hey guys...

it's 12:27, so it's officially Valentines day!

Happy V-day, readers(:

I feel really optimistic and happy... which is new.

I haven't felt this way in MONTHS.

I'm actually listening to nevershoutnever! andd Stephan Jerzak (thanks to jacinda)

That's kinda depressing. I hope Valentines day will be amazing... Or i dont know if I'll still feel optimistic.

I'm talking to a friend that moved to Korea... I really miss her :(

It's amazing while I spend hours sleeping, people on the other side of world are just waking up and starting their day.

I'm starting to spend more time with jacinda.. which is nice, i guess.

She's changed a bit. Less of a bitch, aha.

Just saying whatever comes to mind.

I don't feel like being very profound right now.

Im in an optimistic mood, but I'm dreading tomorrow.

What if it goes terribly wrong and ruins this feeling?

Ahhh, I'll see..

The suspense is killing me!

Mental Disorder?

xhappybunnii:
'i don't want to date a stupid guy.'
GetReadytoFire:
'and i dont want to date a stupid girl'
xhappybunnii:
'it's such a turn off'
'like i want to have an intellectual conversation'
'i LOVE intellectual convos'
GetReadytoFire:
'Baby.... whats 23423425 x 258897.345.3?'
'its 4398578475384345.234'
'u make me whorny'

What kind of a conversation is this??!

MY conversation.

Sleep helps me so much.

I take a nap atleast everyday because I feel like I just build up feelings inside of me.

Once I sleep, I let all that frustrations and emotions out.

It REALLY is refreshing.

I feel like I think about things too much.

And that I'm depressed like almost every day.

Except for the weekend (;

But yeah... I really wouldn't be surprised if I was medically depressed.

or if I was bipolar.

Sad, isn't it?

--------------------------

EDIT:

So I forgot to mention that I talked to nick!

For the first time since we broke up...

Here's how it went.

-I turn around and almost bump into Nick-

N: hey

D: oh, hey..

N: i haven't seen you in... forever!

D: haha, i know... like a week or two

N: more like four...

D: *i notice him smiling a lot* umm so hows your family?

N: *smile disappears* the same.

*N then walks away*

Lol. Sensitive topic.

*writes in mental notes: don't mention family.*

-Zombie.

My Brain is Spewing Thoughts 2.9.10

Do you ever sit on bed, listen to some decent sorrowful music?

With no option, you just begin to ponder.

You can't do this in front of a computer screen.

In front of a computer screen, you just type the things that are on top of your head, but you never think. (This blog is copied from my journal.)

I know, you're thinking "Uh oh, not another depressing blog!"

Well I'm sorry that I'm depressing. You can go ahead and click the X button on the top right.

To Maddy:

I don't really know why I like you (no offense)

In fact, I wonder if it's because I actually like you or I just care about you a lot as a bff?

I think about it almost everyday. Whenever I do, I think about your dark side. When I first met you, I disliked you because you were the typical girly type which I absolutely despised. Then, I got to know you.

You ARE different.

You ARE unique.

Whenever I look in your eyes, I see the pain you hide.

The real you.

Haha, I'm so cheesy.

And I do believe you can change and stop getting the majority of people to stop judging you. It's all about willpower. If I can do it, so can you.

Why am I writing this block of text?

I honestly... have no idea. I'm just letting my feelings out, don't judge. (:

I'm not obsessed with you or anything. Haha, that would be awkward. I like to be honest and try to help people by telling my thoughts of them. Encourage them.

I have my own corrupt life to worry about. But those with corrupt lives interest me, and I just feel like there's a connection.

Maybe, that's just me.

And I probably emberassed myself, and I'll try to avoid you for awhile if ya want.

----------------------------------------------

The past few months, I've been building a shell around me that makes me get duller day by day.

I am no longer motivated to live my life to it's potential.

And I hate being the one that care about others than myself.

It kills me. I honestly would kill myself if I had to to save a bff's life.

Tamara, Tim, Ed, Maddy, Danielle.

And I feel like I'm alone in Jordan Middle School. Like no one understands me.

But of course, there's SOME people that understand 100% like Ed<3

I truly do love you, bestest friend.

You are probably the only reason why I still bother to get up in the morning.

Blah Blah Blah 2

Well, I just told Maddy I kinda like her..

She rejected me, of course :D

It kind of stung, but I'll get over it... like always.

But I feel awkward now.

Like... not really sure.

I usually don't tell people when I like them, but she kind of forced me into it.

Especially over text, that's horrible..

Meh, awkwarddd?

Anyways, I'm in love with Coldplay now :]

Valentines day is gonna suck haha...

Even when I was with nick, I told him that Valentines Day is gonna suck.

Not for me, but for the others that couldn't find the thought of love that day.

2/7/10 Blah Blah Blah

Yesterday, Jacinda and Meagan slept over.

It was pretty fun, we hung out with Jona at like 11, which was pretty badass...

I felt bad for him though since he had to walk home all alone :/

Anyways, I don't feel like blogging, I'll tell you guys later.

Dear John 2/5/10

Dear John,

I really liked the movie. Although I was late and missed the beginning, I would recommend it. I hope that you are doing well.

Sincerely, Zombie.

hahhh, no.

my REAL thoughts: the movie was okay, the ending sucked.

not worth my money....

ALTHOUGH, I did tear up about 2 times... the storyline is kinda predictable :/

I wanted to watch avatar! But I sadly couldn't...

AND we forgot to go to Ikea and play hide n go seek! ):

Oh well, it was still an enjoyable experience.

____________________________________________________

Depressing thought:

When you like someone, but someone else likes them. What do you do?

____________________________________________________

Ugh, trying to get over someone is hard...

I'm scared of being in a relationship where that person is not over their ex.

or whomever, they were in love with.

Getting over someone takes time and discipline, but some are not willing to take that time and discipline.

That makes me depressed.

-Zombie

2/4/10 Tolerance

Museum of tolerance?

Most depressing (yet boring) thing ever.

Like really.... everyone almost cried.

Well, not really, just the sensitive people.

COUGH COUGH.

shietttt, me? sensitive? noooo!

YES!

It's quite sad, really.

Anyways, I'm done being a depressing sack of poo. It's time to move on!

Live Life, per say?

I'm gonna try to be optimistic... haha, which is gonna fail, yea?

BUTTT, i'll still keep you guys updated with my depressing thoughts :D

just for the ones that feed onto these things.

Depressing thought:

What do you do when you love someone that is not for you? And you can't seem to move on. No matter how hard you try.

-Zombie.

2/2/10 Simplicity.

The simple truth. Inspired from a friend --like her, 11 facts.

1. I tend to push others away, when they try to get too close. Of course, there are some exceptions.

2. I hate the word 'Love,' it doesn't mean shit to me now.

3. Music > Best friends > "Family" > Friends

4. I overthink too much. Don't worry, I'm trying to stop.

5. I cry easily.

6. I have self-esteem issues, which is why I hate taking pictures and looking in mirrors. Why? I don't know.

7. I love to try to help people, but usually they don't listen.

8. I hate liars.

9. I'm usually not stubborn, but if I believe something strongly, I WILL disagree.

10. I am very forgiving.

11. If I don't think you'll be important in my life, then prove me wrong cause I won't.